Dampened Spirit

I'm trying to hold back my tears. Trying.

I can't help the way I feel. I didn't know it is so difficult to get a decent job here. I've been trying day after day only discover... disappointments. And more disappointments. It's been 2 months now.

Nevertheless, I'll keep on trying. Please keep me in your prayers. They are very much needed. Thank you.

We'll All Miss You, Love

Nea

*Sobs sobs* *sniffles*

I am so sad that I just could not contain my sadness. I just received this shocking news from dad. Hearing my mum sobbing on the phone, breaks my heart further. I am in no mood to explain what exactly had happened.

Our beautiful female dog, Nea has gone back to our Lord (though I know very well that there isn't a heaven for dogs as they don't have a soul; I would like to think there is just for the comfort of my mind).

Date of passing: 22nd February 2008
Time of passing: 11:00 am (M'sian time) = 4:00pm (NZ time)

I love you, Nea and I'll miss you very much.

:'(

Home Sick

I wished life was that easy.

But I praise God for His countless of blessings in my life despite my trials. I do not know why things happened the way they do, but I know He has his reasons. As much as I miss home right now, I miss my mum, dad and my other family members... my friends, the food, the people, the culture.. I know I am here for a reason.

There are so many things I wished I would have and there are so many times I want to give up and head home..so that things will get easier for me and I don't have to worry so much about finance and my surroundings .. or the people that confuses me each and every day on how I should act and what I should say in order to blend in its culture. Clearly, I'm quite fed up. Annoyed and fed up.

I am afraid to lose myself. Sometimes being here long enough can clearly change a person. I have known people who turned out to be worse than what they were being overseas (names will not be disclosed). And I don't want to be that person.

I am so angry right now; God forbid me from swearing my heart out (fortunately, I won't). And the funny thing is, I don't even know what I am angry about. I don't know.. I just want people to let me be and not expect more than what I could give. I just want to be myself.

The weirdest thing is, I know I got to be here. For some reason I really do not know, I got to be here. As much dilemma I'm in right now, I have the strangest peace that God has placed within my heart that I know He wants me here. I really miss home. But He wants me here.

Okay God, you win.

And you know why He wins? Because just 2 days in Auckland, I managed to find the most suitable flat ever. It's quite big, double-storey house and my rent is really reasonable. Plus, His biggest confirmation for me is this: The family who rents the place is Catholic.

And now, all over again... from Malacca to KL, M'sia to NZ and now Wanganui to Auckland, I'm starting another phase of life. A new one; as if my past will have nothing to do with it. A new environment. New friends. New tasks and expectations. All over again.

I'm excited and terrified at the same time. Excited because everything's new again. Terrified because I do not know what the future holds for me.

I need your prayers. Truly.

*Groans*

Arghh!

Lord, have mercy.


I need You, my sweet Jesus. Help.

Whispering, Singing & Dancing in the Sun

Whispering, singing and dancing in the sun
Oh what mischief my life has become
Knowing, learning and living Your way
My bones they break
But my heart never astray

Mind and heart I opened to Your gaze
Hoping and yearning mere for Your embrace
Stick and stones they rise up to their thrones
Lies in their mouths
Deceit in their hearts
Reshaping anything You have begun

A wave of wretchedness overwhelmed my soul
To the depths of the earth
To the darkest of pits

Bellowing, moaning and walking in the rain
Oh what grief my life became
Sitting, kneeling and humbly I pray
To show me Your way
Teach me Your way.

:(

I am utterly disappointed.

Somehow I feel used to a certain extend in our friendship. I cannot contain this sadness in my heart but it will be a cross which I have to continue to bear. Again. I feel that I am nothing more but someone who just had to fill that certain amount of void in that person's heart. And now... I am dismissed by the flick of its finger. Just like that.

I am nothing more but a speck of dust on its shoulders. After what I've heard... I realized the years we've known each other means nothing more but entertainment and indulgence of the heart. Oh, such foolish dreams we've created.

It boils down to me. What exactly true friendship means?

Someone who uses one another for selfish, foolish reasons.. to gain benefits from the other person? Is it always this temperamental; I'll care for you whenever I feel like it. Or is it telling each other promises that seemed so honest and sincere at that moment and not keeping it?

*Cough, cough* Funny. Somehow I just couldn't agree with that.

Do you know what I think?

It is just plain selfishness. And yes, I couldn't agree more.

In Pain

Arrgh. It's 3.00 am in the morning and I can't sleep...

My stomach's hurting too much :'( Feeling nauseous and a little dizzy.

I just want to sleep. God help me.

:(

Thoughts by a Former Protestant

Hello everyone! :)

As been told by facebook, I am back from Hearts Aflame '08. A wonderful, wonderful experience! The most beautiful part of this summer Catholic school is that we have mass and Adoration everyday! This is a REAL Catholic retreat. We have various talks to choose from and we say the office prayers 3 times a day for the past 10 days. It was a good spiritual break for me as I had a good time doing loads of praying and reflecting about my life. Too bad people in NZ are not very charismatic. There are not much praise and worship. If that would balance out, I think it would be more awesome. All is still good, though. Anyway, I feel blessed at the same time feeling hopeful about life. I've made loads of friends too. A real blessing from God :)

Enough about me already. I would like to share something from my friend, Peter and I've asked his permission to do so. He shared this with me:

"While I was at the summer school, it was very special being able to receive Our Lord daily at Mass. I am convinced that frequently receiving Jesus in Holy Communion has done a huge amount for my spiritual life over the last 3½ months. As a protestant, I was quite knowledgeable in intellectual matters, but since my conversion God has been strengthening my interior life in a major way and I believe that is directly derived from Holy Communion.

In fact, I have done quite a bit of study regarding the Eucharist and I've come to some interesting conclusions. I think that most Catholics who are extremely zealous for their faith gain that strength through frequent reception of Jesus in Holy Communion. Every time we receive Our Lord, we gain a great deal of spiritual strength and nourishment. However, if we receive Him unworthily, in a state of mortal sin, we damage ourselves. So therefore, Catholics who don't attend Mass are damaging themselves more and more every week by living permanently in mortal sin, and Catholics who attend Sunday Mass each week but receive Our Lord unworthily are damaging themselves even worse.

It never ceases to amaze me, as a former protestant, how deeply linked to the faith the Eucharist is. I guess the main point I'm trying to convey is that the Eucharist is a very powerful gift. Take a group of Catholics who regularly attend confession and regularly receive Our Lord, and I would almost guarantee they are zealous for the faith. Take another group of Catholics who live in unrepentant mortal sin and receive Our Lord anyway, and I would almost guarantee that their lives are on a downward spiral."

It's really inspiring hearing this from a former protestant. It makes me appreciate and love my Catholic faith even more. Hearing what he has to say affirms my faith in Him.

Being at the summer school, I am finally able to meet heaps of people who are passionate about God. You have no idea what that really means to me. Meeting them keeps my faith of love for God alive. It made me real hopeful and less discouraging being in NZ. I guess my future lies in God's hands.

Oh btw, good news! I have a part time job now .. Yes, yes. In Wanganui. Nothing exciting being here but the job is kinda interesting. I'm working as a waitress in a cafe and handling stuff behind the counter (ice-cream/coffee etc.). Anyway, please pray that I'll be able to get a good permanent design job (that i love doing) as well as good catholic community to be in. I am still discerning where to go- Auckland, Wellington or Christchurch. I deeply appreciate it.

Thank you & God bless.